Does a 'Mother' have to be 'Mother-like'?
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Because I am the person of inability to carry a pregnancy to full term, I had several experiences to have my baby in my stomach and lost the baby secretly.
I believe the life without children is also wonderful. For example, the world tour to sing and dance. And drinking alcohol with laughing.
Even so, I was overjoyed every time I got pregnant, and cried every time I had a miscarriage.
When I talked to few people about the pregnancy, some said "Can you raise a baby? You are not the type of mother." I felt I had a miscarriage because I am not the mother type. Maybe I should be 'mother-like' to be a 'mother'??
But I wanted to be who I am.
At the same time, I felt I was extremely arrogant person who choose own self than new baby and I, myself also thought I don't have a ticket to be 'mother'.
***
Suddenly, this pregnancy also will be ruined...
I worried so everyday and every time. I always prayed.
I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to stay my house safely everyday.
But I also felt I truly wanted to create new artwork and express myself with my body and heart which were changing day by day as an artist.
I chained myself. I almost couldn't breathe.
I couldn't stand myself who did chain myself.
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But to be a mother, do I have to be 'mother-like'?
Is it better for my baby if I become 'mother-like'?
Do I have to give up a lot of things to be 'mother-like'?
I don't want to erase who I am and repaint it 'mother'.
I'd like to add 'mother' to 'me'.
I decided to no more chain myself.
***
I expressed these thoughts and struggles in my video art.
This is a Nine months pregnant shoot.
Pregnant or not, I hope that people who watch this will feel a little bit of their own potential.
May you see the 'role' handed to you silently, not as a fetter, but as a new possibility.
