Exploring the big amount of introjected notions, being aware
that the assimilation of different external elements lead to a non-organic and
layered image of ourselves, all of this gives the possibility to perceive
ourselves in different ways, materials and state of matter. If the formed image
does not harmonize with our material status of bone and flesh, one can perceive
himself through every kind of matter.
When we cannot escape from the comparison of our inner image
with the reflection in the mirror, the conflict between these two forces
becomes explicit and dramatic. Personally, I feel myself always from the inside
and (only) IN the inside in a very strong way: I've always perceived my
inner/spiritual/interior/emotive dimension, without ever thinking about the way
I appear from the outside.
When I move my body in the world, it's like watching and
perceiving everything from the peephole behind the door, in the comfortable and
familiar ambient of my apartment, safe from every potential damage. I can
experience the outside world, but in a moderate way, without ever being able to
see how I appear to the others. What happens if someone places a big mirror in
front of the door, allowing me to see the outer side of the door? What happens
if I see the door still watching through the peephole?
What happens when I see myself in the mirror? I perceive
"the other side, the one visible to everyone but me. I feel observed by
the exterior me, a person perceived as a stranger but the awareness that it's
actually me, falling in an "unheimlich" me.
The result is a painful experience of a crescent sense of
panic and fear, feeling myself as a complete and total stranger. Is like facing
in a forced way my everyday awareness that my inner and outer sides are not
glued together harmoniously.