strangeless

i cannot sleep at night, drowning in my thoughts. i fall asleep in the early morning and wake up again after a few minutes. i don't want to move, feeling like i'm cocooned inside the blanket. the scattered things in a chaotic order seem to reflect what's inside me, and i simultaneously hate and cherish this simple comfort. outside, it's bright; the wind is roaring, and the rain. how can i explain that it brings a longing for something forever lost? i close the curtains. i wait to be alone with my thoughts again, in solitude outside and inside.

when my hair starts falling out in whole strands, it disturbs and saddens me, but i don't have the strength to gather and understand what it signifies. i collect them around the bed and on the pillow. i am not distracted. i am not distracted. i am not distracted. i can't pull myself together. no strength to gather. hair all over the house, even in places i don't go. i pretend it's my usual state, but can a usual state be so destructive? i lack perception. so many thoughts in my head, and i can't grasp any; they fall out along with the hair. maybe it's normal to feel powerless and lonely.