I'm not sure what to write so I'll start from the very beginning. My first conscious thought as a young child, standing up in my cot was asking myself, what is this place and what am I doing here? I've always felt incomplete and lost, and I will always feel lost until my energy is back with my creator. I feel away from my real family and I do occasionally wonder if I was left here as a punishment before the spacecraft flew off! This world has always intrigued me, the maths, the science, the animals, plants and fungi. I see the beauty in it but also very sensitive to the negative aspects.
My Mother had me young and I didn't remember my Dad as he left us alone after my Mother made it hard to see me. He was physically and mentally abusive to her and also did things that put my safety at risk. My mother remarried and I didn't get on with my step dad who worked in the armed forces before they married as he was overly strict and sometimes physically abusive, and my Mother was struggling with her mental health so was always really toxic behind closed doors. She masked a lot and was always negative about others behind their backs. I always felt like a burden to her, an annoying little fly buzzing in her ear, too much for her. My nickname growing up was weirdo, given by my auntie who was 5 years older than me. I don't want to say anything negative about my family, as I do love them, and I owe everything to my Mother's parents, my Nan and Granddad, who I admire very, very much and gave me the stability I needed from my Mother and Father. I stayed with them as much as I could, and always craved male company and my Grandad played the best games, like monsters, or joke biscuits or joke sick, and he even ate our playdough as a joke once. He is a very funny man who loves to laugh and I still see my Nan and Granddad a couple of times a year, but none of my other family, They are all obsessed with Television and politics and entertainment and not so much the arts or religion or philosophy so we don't have a lot in common.
Nothing could replace a Dad of my own though and I confused the void feeling I have inside with the void my Father made bigger. I went to meet my Dad aged 13 and we drank red wine and smoked weed all night to catch up, which set the tone for the rest of our relationship. The first night I met him I also met my step Mother who was lovely but unfortunately had a black eye and was blaming it on a cupboard door. It didn't take long for me to get my feet under the table and aged 14 I felt strong enough to stand up for my step mother. My Father on the other hand didn't appreciate my responses when he'd shout out "oi Lou make me a sandwich love" to which I'd shout, "tell him to make it himself!" I caused some tension to say the least, and I admit I was an alcoholic, a school drop out, only had one friend at school who hung herself in her 20s, and I was destroying the controlled environment my Father had failed to create with my Mother.
I then moved out of my Dad's back and forth from my Mum and him for a little bit, until aged 15 I moved in with a local woman and her daughter for around 6 or 7 months. I only realised on a recent safeguarding course at work, that this woman and her daughter treated me as a literal slave. She told me I didn't have to go to school again as long as I helped clean the horse stables she worked at, and she'd buy me a pack of biscuits for breakfast and make a sandwich and crisps at tea time and anything else I ate, I bought with the cash in hand I earned working with both of them in a local pub kitchen as a waitress/cook. They rarely called me by my name but would call me shitface and any horrible name they could think up on the spot. The house was covered in animal fleas and I was bitten all over constantly. I was scared to live on the street alone at 15 so I stayed, until it all fell apart because they all were lying to each other and I just told the truth and I ended up going into foster care just before I turned 16.
The opportunity I had with foster care was help getting into employment after I finished school with 1 exam, a C in Maths. I chose a plumbing apprenticeship after trying out different trades. I did plumbing and gas for 4 years, and was a fully qualified gas engineer by age 21, and got my own council flat which I still currently live in council housing. I worked in the plumbing and gas industry for about 12 years on and off (I am now 33). between school and that I did a lot of shop work, cleaning offices, working in the pub as a cleaner, a waitress, kitchen assistant, helped with anything they needed then bar work when I turned 18.
I tried my best to be normal and pay my taxes, but I was always drawn to the naughty people, the negative, and my naivety got me in a lot of trouble. In my 20s, anytime I wasn't working I was getting drunk or high or gambling or having sex trying to fill the void as many people do. I had horrible boyfriends because I had boundary issues and I'm so soft that people find it easy to manipulate me. Even my foster mother manipulated me in relaying messages to other children, manipulating me to manipulate others. It was sick when I got older and realised. Her husband smoked weed all the time, even asked me for some on the rare occasion he ran out and went dry, most her family were alcoholics and some were on other drugs too like cocaine and just before I was 18 they bought a pub which was detrimental to my wellbeing in every way because I was already drinking by aged 13 with my Father. Everyone I've met seems to lie and abuse each other. I've got family members who lie and I don't understand it at all. It has been a complete mess. But the whole time I've been on a pursuit of knowledge, wisdom, stopping the emptiness, and ultimately, I want to find and return to God. Not a lot of people understand me when I say that death is the thing I look forward to the most. The reason I don't hurt myself is because it never works, and I worry that I'll still be alive after another attempt, and ending up worse off than I am. I don't want to survive a cliff dive. I am trying to be positive and find the joy in life.
I don't want this to sound like a therapy session, but I have constantly tried to be the kindest person I can be and a loyal friend which is rarely returned. I'm still a work in progress, but I've come a long way from where I was. I have nice friends for one thing, a nice neighbour (I've lived next to crack dens, police and weapons, stabbings, threats, I've seen it all) I now am more able to control myself and not give in to my desires to drink or take certain drugs or engage in dangerous behaviour. I'd rather just stay alone and paint or go out for a lovely walk. I've always wanted to better myself and not be anything like the toxic Mother I grew up with. Only since October of 2023 did I finally get a fully safe and stable, quiet home on the council.
Unfortunately, my cat died in Dec 23, and I poured myself into art and education further. I quit my last job in February 2024, and I've just been trying to heal again. I feel like I take a step forward and 2 back all the time. I am fed up of the work system, the way they treat you, the money, the social politics, the mistreatment of tenants like they don't matter, not giving you enough time to carry out dangerous gas work where one false move and you could take out 3 houses and potentially kill people. The sexual harassment, the way I felt I had to constantly prove myself, the hate from some of my colleagues or their wives or girlfriends sometimes, the patriarchy, being the only female engineer - so much has happened, too much to write down, and that's part of the reason I want to bury myself into art now. I hate the divisions we have in society. It makes me feel devastated that we can't all come together. Come Unity. Community. I'm hoping my art can inspire us to rise up and be our best selves, and inspire us to see beyond the things that don't matter, and concentrate on love and respect for one another above all else. I didn't know what to do with my paintings, if they are good enough or if anyone will like them, but a message popped up on my phone last week about the Art Laguna prize and I felt it was a sign to try. I'm certainly not scared to fail.
In my free time I try to learn as much as possible across a wide range of philosophical topics, history, maths, science, animals and plants, and I enjoy cooking. I try my best nowadays to keep my home and life as physically and metaphorically clean as possible. Not many people know where I live now or have access to my life, and I've never been happier, although I wish my cat had a bit longer with me in my new home.
My first piece of art I did about 2019 when I had the visual image of everything under the sun being within something else - the microcosm in the macrocosm, I called it, within within within recurring. I envisioned the whole universe as a gargantuan set of Russian dolls and I had to transfer this idea to a canvas. My recent numerology piece was thought up a year ago when I started looking into number patterns last summer while spending my Saturdays walking miles in the countryside, and treating myself to food in pubs, getting over my last break up. I think some of my findings are unknown by the maths world, and I was trying to think of a way to get my data recorded, and I believe paintings are the best way. I have lots of paintings in me, but I haven't got round to them yet. I'm also not afraid to say I'm not a great painter. I'm o.k at drawing, and did a lot of drawing as a child, along with writing poems which I still do now, but my painting is appalling and I'd love to learn more.
I did take a lot of inspiration from Basquiat as I also have a deep interest in symbols, as symbols were the first written records we had that we know of. He was also a very sensitive person and had a similar curiosity for knowledge. I also love photography and taking photos of nature on my walks. Everyone says I take a good photo and I've got a good eye. I just wish I could paint the scenery exactly how I see it in my mind. It's so vibrant and vivid in there. I also take inspiration from Banksy, being a Bristolian myself, and I love Banksy's themes and ideas and concepts. Utterly brilliant and so visually pleasing, where as my art is... rather ugly sometimes which is a good representation of my life at times.
All I've been doing since February is occasionally going to things with friends, I regularly go and watch a few friends play the guitar at a blues jam in Bristol which is a ton of fun but I'm too scared to get up and play myself (I taught myself mostly bar chords in the last 5 years) healing, painting, learning, and just getting through one day at a time with no thought of the future. Art has given me an outlet for my feelings and information and I'm forever grateful to the art of art!!!
I'd like to see more and visit more galleries like I used to occasionally, but I hate the packed crowds and prefer a quiet life nowadays. As a 17 year old apprentice, I had a job with my supervisor to visit Bristol museum early one morning to look at a plumbing issue. We couldn't get in during the day due to crowds so we went at 7am before opening, and had the pleasure of seeing the Banksy exhibit with the whole museum to OURSELVES but unfortunately we had to see it as quickly as possible and get back to work. It was amazing and I loved the Ice cream van scene, the riot police on the rocking horse, paintings he did, the self portrait, all amazing.
I am now trying to get back into work, and have 4 job interviews next week, but if someone wants to pay me to paint for the rest of my life, I'd rather do that - we are all creators and we need to create to enjoy life to the fullest.
If you want to know anything else or have any questions, ask away and I will answer a little too honestly every time! Also if you need a proper photo of my face let me know, my driving photo is over 10years old and my profile photo I have uploaded, I have my back to the camera. I don't put myself as the muse often enough to have recent photos of me.
I hope this biography was suitable and not too much or not what you were expecting. I am not a great person and my life isn't very enjoyable for me mostly, so this was difficult to write. I'm not a good daughter or family member, I'm not a good girlfriend, I go gambling often, I get distracted too easily sometimes - often at my own detriment, I've been told I've got all kinds of mental health problems which I can't seem to get proper help for and I've had to do all the work to change on my own, I'm rubbish at art, even worse at painting, and terrible at living a normal life. I have no idea what I'm doing here or what my use or purpose is other than to gather information and to go through pain. Is that what it is to be human?
I like to think my heart is in the right place though, and I feel I'm mostly misunderstood and there are certain things I do to try to help the world a better place by constantly giving when not many people give to me. But in truth, we are all just a bunch of imperfect, naughty little sinners trying to survive and navigate this strange planet and I can't wait to get off of it and get some peace and quiet. In the meantime, art gives me that peace.
